So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
