OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
