LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
