Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
