I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
People in love make me want to vomit
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
