I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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