there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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