he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
