Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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