I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
