guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
