The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
