so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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