There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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