There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
