So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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