I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
