Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
where are my eyebrows?
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