I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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