All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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