why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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