i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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