Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
