come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
