why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
