oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
