you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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