I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
