I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
