I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
