How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
