dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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