I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
All the doctor said was why
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
