It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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