Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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