While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize