I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
