I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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