I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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