so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
