i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
