ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
