Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
