I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
