What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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