I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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