Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
