Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
