Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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