it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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