You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
