I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
