I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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