Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
