happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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