I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
