go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
