I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize