made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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