he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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