Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
