My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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