i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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