I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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